Values

[workthroughit]

The desk is back in the Nexus again. And the owner of it is once more behind it, hands folded primly in front of him. Set off to the side is a fountain pen and a pad of paper. The banker's light and the metronome rest on the desk as well, though both are turned off. The snow is cleared in a neat three foot circumference around his seat, and though he's in just a dress shirt and sweater vest, the cold doesn't seem to bother the doctor one bit.

"I wonder," Dr. Hill begins in his usual northern European accent, "What do you, as a person, value more? Honesty? Or loyalty?"

A simple question, really.

Comments

[smartass_captain]

"..." Jim licks at his lower lip, gaze stuttering. He's got shit for luck. Good things don't happen to Jim Kirk. And...well.

It burns. His skin burns and it hurts form the inside out. Instinctively Jim's throat closes to stop him from hyperventilating.

"...They lived. I did the right thing."

[workthroughit]

"Your very presence here in the Nexus is built on a foundation of lies, Jim. You know this."

His tone is quiet but cold. The knife found purchase; now it's time to twist.

[smartass_captain]

"I'm not...I'm not worthless. I made the sacrifice play, okay? I did what had to be done to save them. And it worked." The radiation burns from the inside out and he's weak--so weak.

"I didn't ask to be brought back. I didn't choose this!"

[workthroughit]

"Are you not worthless? You're the one saying it, not me, Jim. Why is that?"

[smartass_captain]

"What? No--" Spock would have made a better captain. He should have been captain, not Jim. Of course he's worthless. That's why everyone leaves him behind. Even Spock abandoned him on a dangerous planet.

Jim feels very small, suddenly. Spock's brilliant, and McCoy is the best doctor in the whole Federation. They're the only reason he's made it this far. And here? Verity keeps this entire place together. She knows everyone, bonds with everyone. And Clint is a literal super hero.

What are you, Jim?

"I'm not...." His voice is quiet. "I made a difference."

[workthroughit]

"Are differences inherently good? Any action or person can make a difference. Any animal, any weather pattern. Any object can make a difference. For good or for ill."

Dr. Hill smiles, opening his hands wide now. "Isn't it funny how overconfidence is often a mask for a complete lack of it?"

[smartass_captain]

No. That can't be--

"...I might not be able to make huge changes on my own. But we work together. I trust my crew with my life, and they me. Loyalty is most important, in the end. It's what keeps us together. Keeps us alive. Honesty is part of that, but it's not the most important thing. Everyone lies. It's in our nature."

He makes no argument against the last comment. He can't. It's true, every word of it.

[workthroughit]

He tilts his mouth to one side before sighing and picking up his pen and paper. Dr. Hill begins to write something, notes to himself perhaps? Transcribing Jim's words? He speaks as he does, not looking up from his task, "Maybe that's true, Mr. Kirk. But there's one person you can never lie to. And I'm not talking about Ms. Willis.

"It's yourself."

[smartass_captain]

"People do it all the time." Jim insists again. He's unsure, shifting from foot to foot, but he's standing his ground.

"I know I'm a piece of shit. And I don't want others to. That's probably a shit thing to do. but I'll do whatever I can to make sure no one ever sees that. I make sure to be the person they expect me to be."

[workthroughit]

"People do unhealthy things all the time, yes, but that doesn't make them good!" He says it like he's explaining it to a child in the throes of a tantrum. "That's no excuse to continue to lie, Jim!"

Dr. Hill sets aside his paper and pen. "Why put so much effort into hiding your apparent rotten nature, rather than put it towards fixing it?"

[smartass_captain]

"Because there's some things you just can't fix. Once they're done they're done. And I'd rather pretend to be whole than let people see it. I'd rather lie every day for the rest of my life than see pity on their faces."

If this keeps up that tantrum is going to be pretty real.

"If the truth is disappointing, even hurtful, why fucking bother?"

[workthroughit]

"Because the truth is real, Jim. The truth is the one thing that is absolute. Not you, not I, not Joshua, not any being in or outside the Nexus can change the truth. And that is valuable. That is VITAL."

His voice lowers, going back to a more conversational tone. Maybe even consoling?

"We cannot change the past either. No one can. That is another absolute. But choices, Jim. Choices and direction can still change the future. And the future can change US."

[smartass_captain]

"Yeah, no thanks." Jim shakes his head. "Maybe you're right, maybe not. But I'd rather make my own future. It's still making choices, and still changing the future."

But on his terms. That's fine, isn't it?

[workthroughit]

The doctor only chuckles, picking up a file that is on his desk (should Jim look closely, it has his name printed neatly on the tab) and tapping it to straighten it out.

"Tis the season, as they say. New years are always a good time to look forward to what you want to change. Here's hoping you do it for the right reasons, hm?"